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***EMAIL OF THE WEEK, FROM A WOMAN***

"Dear David,

I'm a beautiful, fun, passionate and highly successful woman and I've been reading your email "Success Stories" for a number of months. I've often thought about writing to you but was finally pushed into action when you posted that email from the spell-checker challenged woman who told you your approach to women pissed her off. Right, Dave, make it look like only complete idiots don't agree with the way you teach men to abuse women.

Look, in some stuff you're right on. The kiss test is a great idea. And, women like men who aren't needy. I ain't your momma. But you're dead wrong when you confuse being needy with being nice. You make it the same and it's not. Guys who are needy suck you dry because it's always about them needing you to make them feel OK. Get a therapist. But the opposite of being needy is not being a jerk. Jerks are losers, too, because they need to disempower you so they can feel OK about themselves. They're power-trippers. Different approach. Same dweeb.

You're also wrong that telling a woman she can't have what she wants will increase her attraction to you. That's abuse pure and simple, Dave, and I'm completely outraged that you're encouraging guys to treat women like that.

You're teaching guys to hunt in the wrong forest. The tips you teach will attract needy women. They may be beautiful on the outside but they have poor boundaries. And that's what you want because your techniques are all about getting laid. If you're going to get laid without commitment, then you've got to find women who don't value themselves so they'll spread their legs without expecting much in return. Highly irresponsible on two counts, Dave. First because needy women are high maintenance. So, OK, you got some easy ass but she's going to make you pay for it down the road because she's got issues. Second, you're a public health hazard waiting to happen because sexually transmitted diseases are epidemic. You're teaching guys to set themselves up for some very serious long term health problems. Sheesh.

My best advice to you: Keep it zipped and start having some integrity. Show guys how to have character and live courageously and unselfishly. Look, you think the New York City fire fighters are having a hard time getting a date for Saturday night? I don't think so. Women are drawn to men who are strong, who put service before self, and who understand the meaning of commitment. So, get a life. And no, you can't have my digits.

L."

***MY COMMENTS***

I don't get emails like this often, but I think you've raised some good points, and I'd like to respond. Here's a list of some of the assumptions you're making:

1. That I believe that the opposite of needy is "jerk".

2. That not giving a woman what she wants is "abuse".

3. That women who will have sex without commitment, by definition, don't value themselves.

4. That "keeping it zipped" is the answer... and somehow leads to "integrity".

5. That NYC firefighters don't have problems getting dates, and that it might be a good idea for more guys to look into this line of work as a career choice.

OK, #1: I draw a distinction between "being a jerk" and doing the things that jerks do to attract women... MINUS THE ABUSE. If you've been tuned in to my newsletters, then you have read this at least 10 times over the past months.

#2: In your email, you say:

"...You're also wrong that telling a woman she can't have what she wants will increase her attraction to you. That's abuse pure and simple, Dave, and I'm completely outraged that you're encouraging guys to treat women like that..."

It is NOT abuse to refuse to give a woman what she wants. This is the kind of thinking that, unfortunately, most of us guys confront when we take women on dates, and the woman EXPECTS us to pay. In your model, if I don't pay, then I'm an abuser.

#3: The idea that only women who don't value themselves will have sex without commitment leads me to a mental question:

"Should women be charging for this service?"

I mean, if they VALUE themselves, then I guess they would be charging for it, right? I realize that this is a flippant question, but think about it. Are you with me?

I know, I know... some women will sleep with a guy just to get some attention. And some guys will pay for 10 dates just to have a chance at getting laid. But here in the real world where I live, I realize that every time a man and woman have sex, they are BOTH involved. It's just plain ridiculous to suggest that all sex that occurs outside of a committed, long-term relationship occurs between "a man who is settling for a needy loser and a woman who doesn't value herself." Cummon, wake up.

Here's a quote from your email:

"...If you're going to get laid without commitment, then you've got to find women who don't value themselves so they'll spread their legs without expecting much in return...."

It's very clear that your underlying belief is that WOMEN SHOULD EXPECT SOMETHING IN RETURN FOR SEX. In my mind, that is called "prostitution". In many societies it's called "tradition" or "culture" or something equally official. This kind of thinking is dysfunctional and sick. Sex shouldn't have a price or an obligation tacked on to it.

#4: On "keeping it zipped": Dream on. Sure, sex has it's occupational hazards. But if you pay attention, take safety precautions, and educate yourself, you can actually live in the real world with the rest of us that think sex is OK.

#5: I don't know if you realize this, but being a firefighter (especially in NYC) has occupational hazards of it's own.

Which, of course leads me to ask you... If you think it's OK that NYC firefighters have no problem getting dates, do you also approve of them having sex on those dates? Or is that out of the question... at least until they buy some dinner, wait until they are in a "committed relationship"...? Or, better yet, is it OK to pay the woman for sex?

To wrap up, another quote from your letter:

"...Women are drawn to men who are strong, who put service before self, and who understand the meaning of commitment. So, get a life. And no, you can't have my digits..."

Actually, women are DRAWN to men who put SELF before SERVICE... they're DRAWN to men who they can't figure out... and they're DRAWN to men who seem "un-tamed"...

I will say that women generally SETTLE FOR and MARRY this kind of guy you're talking about. But "drawn to"? No, sorry.

So why have Included this letter and response in my mailbag? Because I want to point out that a lot of women have these kinds of ideas in their heads, and it's something you're going to have to deal with on occasion. I think it's a good idea to deal with like I have here... head on.

By the way, I thought my "spell-checker-challenged-woman" email was pretty darn funny...

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